How are you at being alone?

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So many people struggle with being alone – they negatively judge themselves for being single, worry about being left out from social events, or otherwise cast ill-favoured light upon themselves when no one is around.  I would argue that being alone is not something to be avoided or looked down upon.  It should be celebrated and sought after! If for no other reason, being alone gives you a chance to get to know yourself.  Being alone allows something that most of us rarely take the time to do – it allows you to turn the focus on yourself.

I’m going to sidestep why some people don’t like being alone. I can’t answer that, nor is it what I wish to address.  For me, the issue of being alone comes down to a person’s comfort level with themselves. Some people just don’t want to spend time getting to know themselves. But there are benefits to spending time with yourself and I’d like to encourage you to take advantage of them.

Perhaps a little backstory to explain where I come from on this topic: I grew up the youngest child on a farm.  I would often find myself with no one around while my older brothers and father worked on the farm and my mom taught at school.  As a result, I spend a good amount of time alone.  Through this I learned a great deal about how to relate to myself. Since my childhood alone time has always been an adventure waiting to happen.  If I wasn’t going to entertain myself, who was!? I was free at each moment to do exactly as I pleased; explore what I chose; and engage in what I deemed important. My mother tells me I was a busy guy!

Being busy in such a way, led me to the early realization that I thoroughly enjoyed my own company and my own pursuits.  Being alone led me to form my own hobbies and interests and to define myself through myself. I got good at being alone. Now not everyone has had this opportunity; however, I submit that this skill can be honed at any age!

Start by asking yourself this powerful question:

How are you at being alone?

Resist glancing over the question.  Think about what you do when you’re alone.

• Do you spend time with yourself,
• Do you instantly turn to outside stimulation?
• Is alone time for you spent in front of the television, listening to your iPod, or otherwise distracting yourself?
• Is your mind in the future and avoiding the now?
• Do you get trapped in cycles of judgment against yourself over what you should have done in the past?

Wouldn’t it be great if you could take a little time each day to just be?

Lifehack: Practice being alone – every day – for 5 minutes.

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Everybody has 5 minutes that they can find in their day.  Use yours to be with yourself.
Here’s how:
1. Find a quiet space to be alone.  If you need to, use the bathroom; lock the door.
2. Set a timer for 5 minutes.
3. Be quiet, present and without agenda.  Take stock of your body: focus on your breathing; your body; how your thoughts change; stay in the present. Wait the 5 minutes out! (n.b. If it helps you, close your eyes to avoid distraction).
4. After you’re done, if you choose, write down any thoughts that come into your head.
5. Repeat daily.

As you become practiced at this, note how this quite time can affect your mood.  What does it do for you to stay in the present for this short time, each day.  What does it feel like to slow down and let things just be for 5 minutes? You may be surprised to find that the practice has been demonstrated to reduce stress, increase immune function, and improve overall wellbeing.

I struggled with calming down too. In preparing for quite moments, I found the following zen proverb helpful: “When walking, walk. When eating, eat.”. I also found this video, that I think, deals beautifully with the topic of being alone and sums up the feeling of what this post is going for.  It shows beautifully that being alone can be a highly enjoyable and worthwhile pursuit.

So remember to be alone today, and flourish because of it!

Resources

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This Powerful Question is inspired from the practice of being mindful. For a recent review on the benefits of being mindful:

Grossman P, Niemann L, Schmidt S, Walach H, (2004). Mindfullness-based stress reduction and health benefits: A meta analysis. Journal of Pyschosomatic Research 57: 35-43.

Tagged as: lifehack, mindfulness, Powerful Questions